I ate!

I have been pretty honest with myself these past 15 days on Optifast.  It hasn't been easy this second time around for me.  Last year my mind was so focused on sticking to Optifast that I must have been oblivious to how hard it actually was to only drink shakes and constantly battle cravings.  This time around it is a whole different story, I know how Optifast works and I do not have the challenge of just focusing on Optifast and sticking to it.  My mind has been all over the place battling cravings and the want to eat.  

The first few days on Optifast were fine, I was in a routine, getting used to only shakes and hoping my body entered Ketosis early.  By the end if week one I was doing ok, then December 27 hit.  From that day forward I have struggling with daily cravings, wants, needs to eat something, anything other than Optifast.  I used my coping skills, or what I thought were my coping skills to fight the urge everytime. Boy was I wrong, I realized that my coping skills were to bottle up the emotions and make it seem like "I had this" to the world.

New Years Eve, I came home from work and that was my last straw, I curled up in bed and cried in my husbands arms for what felt like hours.  One thing I am good at is keeping things inside and not voicing them when I should, so after I explained how hard I have been fighting an urge to eat these past few days he finally understood.  I have been cranky, tired and just mentally exhausted.  I thought finally opening up with my husband would make things better or easier to manage and they have been but the cravings and want's are still occurring.

Last night, we arrived home from work and all I wanted to do was eat.  I recognized that I wasn't  actually hungry because I have been in Ketosis for over a week now but I finally gave in.  I ate!  I ate Donair pizza, one of my most favourite comfort foods of all time! My husband is very supportive and would not order, he said that if I chose to eat tonight that he wasn't ordering it.  I actually stared at my phone for over 39 minutes (I kept track) before I placed the call.  What was so interesting is that before starting this journey I wouldn't hesitate to place an order it was a second nature.  Last night I recognized that I truley did not want to place that order or eat, and the fact that it took me 39 minutes to actually do it was success.  I did not have complete succes because I ate, but I was aware of my choices and knew what the right choice was.  Obviously I did not make the right choice but I look back today as I reflect and realize that what happened last night may be more important than if I just said no, bottled my emotions and went on and had my shake.  I ate the pizza, I did not scarf it down like I used to, I ate it slow and savoured the taste.  I ate less than I normally would have and didn't feel anxious or upset that I left pieces behind.  I slept like shit last night, I was bloated and thirsty and I woke up more tired than usual.  I am out of ketosis right now and not missing the bad breath and so far I am not having cravings today.  I gathered my shakes, threw them into my purse and started my day.  Surprisingly the first shake tasted good!

I feel stronger today, that I know I can get through these next 3 months of liquid now.  If I didn't eat last night how would I be feeling today?!

First 11 days....

So much to say and so little time to do it!  

I have completed 11 days of liquid and it has been a rough go this time around.  I am glad to finally be on liquid again but everyday so far I have battled not eating something.  It's funny how last year I didn't think twice when I looked at food, I knew I was not going to eat anything while on optifast but this time around I am fighting the want and need to try something...anything just once.  The first few days of optifast were not too bad, ready to start and looking forward to a break from food.  I experienced more side effects this time around as I entered into ketosis, headaches, hunger and food cravings.  I knew it would be a little harder because I was away on vacation during the first three weeks of 1200 calories eating high caloric/salty foods while travelling.  I was home for only 3 days and then I started liquid, my body did not have the luxury of being ready for the shock I put apon it!! 

After finally entering ketosis and feeling not too bad Christmas Eve was just a day away and my husband arrived home from work with a stomach virus i.e. Vomiting and diarreah.  I proceeded with caution sanitizing the house and myself because I definitely did not want to catch his germs...well too late, I woke up on Christmad Eve day with the same symptoms.  Luckily the virus only lasted 36 hours but it drained us both, trying to keep liquid in my system on such low calories was indeed hard but I didn't not eat anything except for a few glasses of flat ginger ale. With all of that past me I feel good in ketosis, very little hunger outside of shake time, but definitely experiencing food cravings and major bad breath.  

Christmas this year was not that hard for me but these past few days if post Christmas parties have been tough.  I think if avoided them all last year and that's why I am finding it harder this time around.  Of course at every party I attend all of my favourite dips, cookies, snacks and drinks surrounded me.  Many times I have wanted to just try "one piece", will it really take me out of ketosis? Some how I talk myself out if it and move on....I am hoping that these occurrences are less and less with each day that passes.  

I want to succeed again this round and I know that the reason I do succeed is because optifast is what allows me to drop significant weight.  Something I have not been able to do in my own and when I want to eat that little piece of food I continuously remind myself of just that.

With the New Year just a few days away, of course I would love to eat a big meal and drink wine with my friends and family but again it is a shake for me and I am OK with that. :)

Round Two!!!

Ok, so I have been distant not only with my blog but with myself as well.  

It is December 18th, the eve before I start round two of liquid and I am so ready for a break from food.  I haven't posted since July and i know it is because I have been struggling with my weight gain.  I finished year one with keeping 50 lbs off my body, a huge feat.  This is the first year in probably 15 years that I haven't gained weight. I look at how far I have come this past year and where I would be if I were to never have started this program.

I am blessed to be able to join this program again, year two started on November 20th.  New facilitators and a new group with all of us in the same boat.  I am ready for this next challenge.

I am starting year two with 50 lbs of loss and my goal is to reach the 100lb mark.  I will not be disappointed if I do not get there or give up on how far I have come. It is just a personal goal I have set for myself.  If I have learned anything over these past 4 months it is that maintenance is by far the hardest part of this journey and I am not ready to tackle this battle on my own yet.  I need to dig deeper as to why I am running back to food and how I can get past this big hurdle.  I know as I start drinking liquid tomorrow that I will be able to stick to it because I have done this before.  So, while I am enjoying a break from food I plan to write more and work with the therapist to help me figure out why I eat.

My journey is far from over and I know that I will get there, it will just take time.

Time to bring out the ice cubes and wine glass, it's Optifast time again!

Ok, So I Did It!

My post last week was a wake up call.  I think I have read it 5 times since posting it reminding myself if how I physically and mentally was feeling about my weight gain.  Last night while in group session it felt great to hear others struggles and successes all while recognizing with myself that we are in maintenance and part of this journey is to learn how to maintain our current body weight and not to focus on how much I want to lose before next weigh in.

At the end of transition and as I moved into maintenance my body was at its ultimate loss of 89 lbs, a loss that occurred because of drastic calorie reductions.  It didn't happen because I started exercising or eating the "right" foods.  That is what I am focused on now to maintain my current weight.  Realistically, maintaining those 89 lbs of loss would never happen because I am now eating food again and my calories have doubled from a mere 900.  So, me gaining 14 lbs back was my body adjusting and finding its  happy place and it wasn't until last night that I truly came to peace with it thanks to a group member who pointed this out to all of us.  

This past week I made a plan and stuck to it, I stayed within my calories while enjoying a few indulgences and increased my activity.  Last night I showed an increase of 1 lb on the scale but as a whole within the past month I have fluctuated between 1-2 lbs as a gain or loss which means that I am maintaining 75 lbs of loss and I feel great about that.

I am taking each week by week and now putting all my energy into being content with where I am in this journey.  I do want to loose these 14 lbs I have gained back but I need to do it the right way or should I say the realistic way because this journey of Optifast was not real life, it was  a drastic approach to weight loss which has provided me with all the tools and knowledge to live a healthy and active lifestyle and I just need to do it!

Reality Check...I Can Do This!!

Ok, so maybe I have been lying to myself.  I don't have this, at least not at the moment.  I lost it somewhere in the last three weeks.  Maintenance is not that hard, it's the food addiction that is hard!

Last night, I stepped on my scale at home after eating a box of cookies and was shocked at the number, what happened during these these past 8 days I am not sure.  The number was up quite a bit, I am definitely retaining some fluid as my cycle is due any day, but that's not the only reason!  Who am I kidding, not myself that's for darn sure.  I cried myself to sleep because I am so pissed off at the fact that I let myself slip back into a few old habits over these past few weeks.  I have the tools and the desire to succeed at this, there are no excuses because I have come so far and I know what it has taken to get where I am.  It is this battle with my food addiction that has me where I am! I knew that during transition and maintenance I would gain back 5-10 lbs as it is expected moving from eating a minimal 900 cal to now 2000 cal but I have gained back 15 lbs and at this point I am starting to feel it and know I need to get a grip now!

So, I woke up this morning with a clear head and I am re-directing my pissed off thoughts to fighting this addiction.  My food is packed for the day and my food tracker now has writing on it :) The only person who can do this is me and only me! I am back on track and ready.  

I have my program session this Wednesday coming and my goal for these next 6 days is to stay on track which will hopefully result in the loss of these 5 extra lbs :)

Summer Dayzzzzzz

Its summer and that can only mean one thing, Food!

It is so interesting when you take the time to jot down those days throughout the year that are associated with food, like December for instance, there are work xmas dinners; family parties; xmas eve; xmas day; boxing day; leftovers; oh yeah and of course New Years Eve and New Years Day.  Well, we often forget summer time and its many festivities and that is what I am faced with now that summer is here :)  I am well into maintenance now and battling daily addiction queues which has made for a rocky past few weeks.  I have definitely eaten quite a few things I said I would never go back to and some I have enjoyed, while others I could do without.   I am keeping up my exercise and trying to get through each day, but it is days like today when all I can think about is food.  My husband and I went for a wonderful walk this morning after a regular balanced breakfast, came home and made a well balanced lunch, but all I can think about is tonights bbq that we are going to and what I will eat.  Keeping within my calories is my current number one focus because it is so easy to slip past that magical number.  I never realized how tough battling the addiction side of this journey would be, I know to eat the correct things and I know when its time to stop but there is always the addiction in the back of my head telling me "go ahead, have some more!"

So, tonight I am going to a summer bbq, one of many summer events which revolve around food.  While everyone is enjoying their beer, food and good conversations I will be constantly fighting myself to not have seconds or eat the pasta salad instead of the green salad which I know I should choose and actually enjoy eating.  If I decide before I go not to have an item and I set my mind to it, I can usually get through it which is very positive.  It is those times when I say I am not going to have something and I am presented with that item that the addiction kicks in and I begin the battle.  I am sure I sound pretty crazy but it hasn't been until the maintenance phase that I was really faced with my food addiction.  Honeslty, most people cannot relate to this battle that food addicts have.  I have had people tell me to "just don't eat it" to "just have one bite", these are the people that definitely cannot relate and have never had an issue with food before.

Food is a daily requirement and not a choice, we have to eat to survive unlike a smoking addiction which is a choice.  But dont get me wrong, they both come with the same addictions and struggles while quitting or giving up a food!        

Week 28

Last night's session was my first after switching to bi-weekly sessions and I truly can say that I missed not going these past two weeks.  I was surprised last night at how many people from our group did not attend, it made for a quick night with not much discussion.  I hope that we continue to have most group members attend every two weeks so that we can all help each other to stay in tract.

I have been in full maintenance for the past few weeks and its been a struggle, there were numerous times that I would "test" the waters and have something I thought I wouldn't consume for months to come.  I am still recording what I am eating regardless if it is on my exchange list or not so in any given day I know exactly what I have eaten, good or bad :) Since the start of transition I have gained back 5 lb, some of which I know are from transitioning to my new calories but these past two weeks I have gained back 2.5 lb and I know it's from my food choices.  Last night it hit me that I need to re-evaluate what I am doing and why I am doing it.  Before entering maintenance I actually was only 11 lbs away from reaching 100 lbs of weight loss and now I am 16.5 lbs away.  I want to reach this goal on my own and I know I can do it.  I have all of the tools and resources available, I know what to eat and when to eat it, I am way more active then I ever was and can do this.

So,  with that being said I am back on track.  I woke up this morning and prepared my meals for the day and wrote everything down.  The goal over the course of these next two weeks is to focus in me and my food choices, become more diligent with my daily walking and journal more.  I knew there would be struggles, but I didn't think they would arrive so early on.  I have the support of a few other  group members who are also struggling a bit right now and we have all made it our mission to get back on track together which is what I think we all need! Especially me!