Week 23....finger food anyone

A little delayed in posting but life has been rather busy.  Week 23 has passed and last week I lost another 2 lbs for a total of 89 lbs lost to date.  Officially eating only food for a little over a week now and even though I have embraced this change with open arms, it has been a bit surreal at the same time.  This past week I have been tempted more than once to slip back into a few old habits, and at this point it is because I know I made it through such a hard journey that I almost feel the need to "take a break" if that even seems realistic.  It took all my skills to stay away from old habits but I did it...until Saturday evening rolled around. 

Saturday night I attended my first house gathering since finishing liquid completely and it was tough....there was a large crowd and a large amount of finger food on the tables.  I started the night feeling confident, I had my eyes on a few items that I knew I would have, fruit from a fruit tray and cut up veggies.  Thursday evening at group session we received an extended food list which usually is not provided until week 33 but the program instructors have made a change to hand it out at this point in the program instead.  This new exchange list includes such items as, bread, crackers, cheese, hummus, shellfish, pork, red meat, lamb etc.  The list goes on.  When I first looked at the list I knew right away there are items that I am not interested in introducing back into my food choices.  Example:  breads, red meat, cow's milk, pasta.  But there were a few that I wanted to learn to enjoy in moderation: cheese, shellfish, hummus, crackers.  Saturday night the table was was filled with cheese blocks, cheese platters with chutney, crackers, sweets and cakes.  I ate my veggies and fruit, but something inside of me said..."try some cheese, it is on your list now", so i tried some cheese on a cracker and it was delicious.  That quickly turned into a few pieces of cheese and crackers, a turkey meatball, a bacon wrapped water chestnut and some type of dip that I do not know the name of but it was good.  As the night progressed I quickly started to recognize my old behaviors, the old me would have had 10 of everything on the table and probably wouldn't have left the table, but I noticed that this new me was able to take a step back and make the choice to not eat any more.  Did I foresee myself loosing control that evening, not at all, but I am so happy that I was able experience this situation as we all know life is not an easy book.  Did I eat more than I should have? no because I counted all of the calories as best as I could and I did not pass my daily caloric maximum.  It is scary how quickly my mind turned and I made the choice to eat a few things I said just a few hours before that I would take my time introducing back.  I have been reflecting on Saturday nights experience for the past two days.  I do not feel one bit of guilt as I know I did not over indulge, but I was upset with myself because of how quickly I started to loose control.  This battle is a tough one and I would take liquid back any day to having to make responsible food choices on a daily basis.  Liquid was easy but it was also the easy way out, I did not have a choice then and now I do.  I want to make the right choices but also want to be realistic and live life.  For me these next 6 months will be the hardest for me because I am fighting an addiction, not just a want for food.  

This past week and a half I have been getting used to my new caloric intake and it has been an adjustment that's for sure,  I am taking it slow and not stressing if I miss a protein exchange or an extra fruit exchange.  I was given a new caloric intake of 2000 calories by the dietitian, at first I thought to myself, how in the world am I going to eat 2000 calories after only eating 900-1200 these past 4 months.  With shakes no longer in the picture and with each day that passes it is getting easier.  I talked to the group dietitian questioning her on whether or not it is OK for me to miss an exchange or two if I am just not feeling hungry and what she said was that it was OK to slowly transition up to my new caloric intake and take my time with introducing the increase in food.  With a little over a week into solid food I have not had a day yet where I actually ate the 2000 calories but I am getting there.  After a few weeks I will be assessed to see if my new calorie count is working for my body, at this point I have not gained any weight back and if that continues I will keep on trekking.  I am spending quite a bit of time focusing on my daily walks, I did not really exercise at all during my liquid phase and its only been these past two weeks where I made walking a daily regime.  I have been walking on my lunch breaks at work, I started out walking 15 minutes around the block and as of today I am now up to 25 minutes and feeling more confident with that number.  I am so proud with my progress on this journey, I am doing things I haven't done in years and that is because of the weight loss.  I never thought I would reach 89 lbs in 5 months, it is so unreal, I am smaller now then when my husband and I first started dating.  My husband and I are eating better then we ever have and are focusing on living a healthier lifestyle.