Made It Through Christmas!

It is December 28th and that means that I made it through Christmas!  Family arrived on Sunday December 23rd and I was ready, what irritability I was experiencing quickly went away when they arrived and we had a wonderful few days with them.

With that being said Christmas was extremely hard for me. Christmas eve was a quiet day, we did some last minute shopping to pass the day and my husband and I cooked a wonderful meal for them.  I did not sit with them while they ate but I simply drank my shake on the couch and engaged in conversation.  Christmas morning I woke up feeling hungry and having a bit of anxiety, I knew that I would be spending most of the day with not just our company (my husbands parents) but we were going to a big dinner with 14 of my family members as well. We arrived at my parents place early to open a few Christmas gifts and then the guests started arriving, my mom and dad planned a sit down dinner for 16 in their home just around the time I would be drinking my shake.  Some of these family members knew I was in this program and others have not been told yet.  I decided to help serve dinner with my parents to avoid sitting down at the dinner table.  The table I sat at was one of two, it consisted of my husband, parents, sister, niece and two relatives, I felt very comfortable while sitting with them when they ate, the two other family members at the table with us did not know I was in the program and I was able to tell them once they figured out I was not even eating!

I did not have a chance to really talk about it with other family members as they didn't notice that I was not eating so I decided to leave it be for now.  I found Christmas day by far the hardest, not because I wanted to eat the food they were having but that I felt like I was missing out on something.  I am still trying to process exactly why I was feeling this way and what it is that I was missing out on.  

Boxing day was an easy day for me, my husbands family left to visit their other son and I attended another big family potluck.  I drank a shake before I left and I drank a shake 4 hours later when I got home, the meal was not sit down but a eat at your leisure so no one noticed that I was not up and picking at all of the food.  A few people did ask me, "did you get something to eat yet?" and I simply said that I already ate, which wasn't really a lie :)  

I made it through the holidays with just a few emotional days but I am so proud of myself for sticking to this and not allowing myself a quick slip up.  I am 16 days into liquid and I made it!  I have not put anything into my mouth other than my shakes and water and again last night at my program it showed on the scale, another 6 lbs down for a total of 28 lbs lost in just 5 weeks! :) 

Be Inspired

I purchased a Smash book in the summer not knowing what I would use it for. I finally pulled it out a few weeks ago and decided to use it as my journal. A major part of this program they emphasize is journaling, now as a blogger I thought that i wouldn't need to journal but I was definitely wrong. I am using this journal to help me plan for transition back to food and maintenance and a reminder of where I have come from and how I will make it through hard times. It contains a few favourite quotes, words of wisdom from family and friends, a before picture as well as a section for a few recipes I find along the way to help me reach my goal of cooking fresh!

When I am having a bad day I pull it out, write a few notes and browse through previous entries!

Taking it one day at a time

That is right, I am taking it one day at a time.  Week 1 of liquid has passed and 7 more lbs down for a total of 22 lbs lost in 4 weeks.  Sounds good to me!  Sticking to drinking only my liquid shakes was easy enough in week 1, now that I am in the middle of week 2 I have really noticed how much I am missing food.  I haven't really had many side effects from being in Ketosis other than the obvious, bad breath, stinky pee, dry mouth and dry skin.  I actually wasn't feeling much hunger until Friday, I was irritable, tired and wanted to eat everything around, even though I stuck to my guns it was a hard day.

So here we are, 1 day away from Christmas.  Day 11 into 90 days of liquid bliss :) feeling a little tired today and semi irritable, trying not to freak out on my husband.  I have started to make note of behaviors around food in which I never had to deal with before or even recognized.  I am taking time to write more and also read to take my mind away from the fact that I miss eating.

I made it through the week with very little issues, now that I am at day 11 of liquid I have had a few bad days.  I noticed I am hungry in between shakes but I cannot yet figure out if it is actual hunger or boredom which I used to fill with food.  I am about to spend three days with many family and friends over Christmas explaining why I am not eating Christmas dinner while they all stuff their faces with the food I love.  Happy Holidays to everyone who is following me! I have a new interesting topics which I will post after Christmas!   

The Wine Glass

The significance of the wine glass~

My meal 4 times a day consists of the following - a packet of Optifast,  a plastic shaker, 12 oz of water and ice cubes (oh and a tsp of benefiber not for taste).  Pour 12 oz of cold water into plastic shaker, add 2-3 ice cubes and contents Optifast, shake vigorously until blended and smooth, drink.

That is it, nothing special or exciting to look forward to like food provides.  I have decided to change that theory and enjoy each and every shake like it were a glass of cold crisp white wine!  Now mind you I do not take a wine glass to work each and every day, I transfer the liquid to a drinking glass to enjoy.  When I am home that is a different story, I have a special wine goblet I am using to enjoy my shake to it's fullest, the significance of the wine glass is not for show but to allow me the opportunity to smell, sip and roll the liquid around in my mouth to savor all its flavor like I do with a nice glass of white wine!

Week 5 & Liquid

It has been just over a week since I last sat down to blog, quite a bit has happened since last week.  I finished off week 4 strong and completely stuck to my 1200 calories/day, I lost another 2 lbs and most of all started week 5 on liquid Optifast.

I left my group meeting on Wednesday with my week supply of optifast packets ready to start a new day, when I got home I counted them all out and separated them into 7 days of 4 packets.  When I got up Thursday it felt like a normal day, I grabbed my 4 packets and shaker and headed to work, I did catch myself wandering around the kitchen for a few minutes opening cupboards out of habit, I felt like I was forgetting something (food maybe).  I was feeling anxiety that morning because I wasn't sure if I would like them and considering this is all I am consuming over the next 100+ days I was worried.  Luckily it tasted OK, it definitely needs to be mixed with cold water and with a few ice cubes.  I found as the day progressed and especially 4 days into liquid I am really enjoying the taste and looking forward to my next shake as it is the only thing other than water that is being consumed.

I got through Thursday fine, surprisingly not experiencing much hunger.  Friday I woke up tired and that lasted most of the day, Saturday was definitely the same, I was tired and feeling some hunger.  Saturday my husband and I went Christmas shopping at the mall, I woke up and drank my shake around 9:00am and we headed out to fight the crowds.  Well, walking around the mall for 3+ hours did it for me, I was exhausted and hungry, we left the mall around noon and I couldn't wait any longer I mixed my shake in the car and scarfed it down.  One thing I have learned is I cannot leave the house without 1-2 packets, a bottle of water and a shaker in my purse, I couldn't just stop and eat something like I normally would.  To be honest the entire day I was struggling with old habits, whenever my husband and I are out and about we pick up stuff to eat while we are shopping; but once I got my shake into me I was ready to keep going.

Today is Sunday and I slept in, I feel great today other then some fatigue and thirst but I am taking it easy wrapping some presents and listening to Christmas music! I cannot believe I am 4 days into liquid already, I could get used to this! 

Last week of 1200 calories

Well, I cannot believe that I am starting my final week of 1200 calories, where did the time go! I remember back to the first night and thinking that 3 weeks of 1200 calories will feel like a lifetime but in hind sight it is a moment in time compared to the life long journey I have begun!

One thing that i did not realize would be such and issue over these past two weeks is how much of a daily struggle it would be to avoid those foods that are not on the recommends list. It is a daily mental battle for me. I went into this program saying, "I will stick to this, I will not deviate from 1200 calories" now starting week 3 I have an entirely different approach! I will stick to 1200 calories as "best as I can" while I work through my mental behaviours. I never ever though I would ever say that I had an addiction to food, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and did not acknowledge how it made me feel or my triggers around food. But over the past week and especially after last night I am able to pick up on my behaviours and know what I need to work on. I truly know now that I have unhealthy behaviours related to food!

Last night on the scale I saw a 1 lb loss, I will admit that I was disappointed, but it is a loss and at this point that is what is most important! I wanted to see more but again I need to remember that there is more to my journey then just the number on the scale. 13 lbs down in two weeks is fantastic and I just need to slow down and remember that I am not in this for a quick change, it's life long!

Struggling a bit

Three days into week 2 and I admit that I am struggling a bit. Not with breakfast, lunch or snack but with my supper time meal. I am motivated to make it and did make it all last week but for some reason the start of this week I am struggling with making the right decision to choose my healthy supper meal. I am letting my habits and hunger take over and the past two night have had food outside of my recommended list of foods.

Now, I knew this would be a struggle and I keep reminding myself that I am only 10 days into new eating habits and how do I change 20 years of bad habits in two weeks? It just doesn't happen. I truly am looking forward to the next 3 months so while I am on liquid only and cleansing my pallet I can focus all of my energy on why I have these bad habits and how I deal with them while transitioning back to food!!

On to Week 2

Well, week 1 was a success for me in so many ways. I started, stumbled a meal and got back at it!
My week of 1200 calories started on Thursday and I had no problem adjusting Thursday to less calories, Friday was the same....until supper that was. Hunger and old Friday night habits definitely took over and I quickly found myself giving in and bingeing on comfort food, pizza and chips. What was different for me after eating it, is the fact that I acknowledged what I was doing and decided to move forward. So, starting Saturday morning I was committed to giving 1200 calories a chance and I made it!! I strictly followed my food guide and weighed, measured and recorded everything.

Things that surprised me this week:

- The amount of food that I used to eat in a serving.
- How small 2-3 ounces of chicken actually is.
- How satisfied I felt with the little food I was eating.

Do I still want a bag of chips, yep I do! But after stepping on the scale tonight and seeing a 12 lb loss, I think I may just ignore the chips!

1200 Calories, I got this!

Well, week 1 has since passed. Last night was the start of week 2 and I was really looking forward to our meeting last night, we dove right into a weight management module and our 1200 caloric recommendations for the next three weeks.

I left the meeting feeling confident about consuming only 1200 calories, I have a sheet with food selections and basically if it is not on the sheet we do not eat it. Some people seemed to struggle with that concept last night as they continued to ask if this product or that product was ok to have.
I arrived home and prepared my meals for today, I already know that if I do not take the time to prepare them then it will be a bad day. My husband said that for the next three weeks he will be a constant reminder for me to prepare my meals for the next day and that we will prepare them together. I appreciate his commitment to me during this journey. So here I am day 1 of 1200 calories....I got this!

The First Day.....

Standing in front of the door to my new beginning, I stare at the word Pull for 2 minutes. All that's left is to open this glass door and on the other side awaits change, knowing that once I go through these doors I will not turn back. It is my first night after waiting for 3 full months to take this journey and it has finally arrived, but who am I kidding, I have been waiting my entire life for this. So I pulled the door open.


I walk in and look around, I was not the first to arrive. I wonder if anyone else stopped and stared at the door like I did and pondered the significance of taking this big step through! I am greeted by the receptionist and escorted to my group session room. Even though I have made this walk before it took forever tonight, I walk into the room and find an empty seat, other people are also sitting around the table, some chatting and others looking at their phones. I look around at the many different people sitting across and next to me, we are all here for the same reasons and these are the people for whom I will spend the next 52 weeks with. There is a large white 3 ring binder on the table in front of me, I open it and flip through the crisp white pages. The young lady sitting across from me repeatedly taps her pen on the binder, when I look up she apologizes for the tapping and let's me know she is nervous. We start to chat to ease her mind a bit.

There are 20 of us, men and women of all sizes and shapes. We introduce ourselves and meet the clinic team before jumping right into session 1 information. Tonight was emotionally draining for me there was a lot of information to soak in with limited time to do so, the information was basic and consisted of general housekeeping, the program, our expectations and our responsibilities. Luckily the binder has all of this information inside so I will take the time this weekend to read it all. The second half of the night was left to have basic body compositions completed and take part in a short fitness test, I went into this program knowing most of my numbers but as always when you see them on paper it reminds me of why I am here. Some people compared their numbers and others like myself tucked the numbers into our binders!

I left last night tired but excited and motivated! Next step is 3 weeks of 1200 calorie days, technically this transition does not start until beginning of week 2 but they provided us a little bit of information so we can prepare and buy the food needed. Looks like I need to hit the grocery store tonight! 1 day down 364 days left!

It's about time!

Well it is October 31st and Halloween at that!  I am beyond excited, last week I officially found out my start date!  Wednesday, November 14th session 9 is set to begin.  We have 20 participants assessed for session 9 and on November 6th the clinicians will complete their final clinical rounds and move forward with the start date.  I will be contacted after November 6th to confirm and receive more information about the first week.

When I first found out the start date I was a little bit frustrated because what was originally supposed to be an October 31st start date was now moved to November 14th, the waiting game is so so hard at times.  But here I am now only two weeks away.  All of my energy is now focused on this program and  moving forward!  I will definitely start blogging more often as I get closer and with every experience I have during this next year! Yippee!

Frustration

I know I said that the next time I post will be when I got the phone call but I need to vent just a bit.  I took it upon myself to check in with the clinic just to see where things stand as the last tentative start date was October 3rd!  As of right now they have 16 people assessed and ready to start which makes me super happy because 3 weeks ago they only had 9.  The problem is that they want to have 20 to start to make it a complete group and I definitely understand that but 16 of us are ready and wanting to get started.

The clinicians are scheduled to complete their assessment rounds on October 23rd and make the final decision on the start date which is now tentatively booked for October 31st.  They are confident that will be the date but will obviously say tentative until its set in stone.  So, at first i felt a bit of frustration as I hung up the phone as its been a few months since my first information session, but as I am blogging it out here I feel great knowing that we have 16 confirmed and assessed participants and now its up to the program clinicians to get this thing rolling :) I have continued the process of cutting back on my bad habits and will enjoy thanksgiving dinner this weekend knowing that in just a few more weeks I will begin this journey!

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

It's Been A While

Well life has been busy!  I know it has been a while since I have posted but I am taking a few minutes now.  Last time I wrote I was preparing to have my Physician Assessment!  It occurred as planned and it was great, he went over my blood work again, took my blood pressure, listened to my lungs and heart, felt my belly and weighed me again, surprisingly I was down 2 lbs but I will take it considering the program hasn't begun as of yet.  My blood pressure was good, I was nervous about that because I have been having a bit of swelling in my feet and ankles, he told me that it is common in obese individuals and he said that he is not concerned because my blood work, heart and blood pressure are normal.  He said that I should see that subside with the weight loss and diet changes.

With all of this being said the doctor thinks that I am the perfect candidate for this program, I am young with good overall health and he feels that I will get a hold of my health and my body will let go of the weight.  I was smiling from ear to ear as I left his office! 

So, it is now October 1st and I am officially waiting for the call that tells me when session 9 is to begin.  The past three weeks have not been the easiest, while I have been waiting I have been eating.  I may have gone a little overboard with eating those foods on the "list", but I have come back down to reality and with a little discussion reminded myself that I am only hurting myself in the process.  I am ready for my program to begin, I am ready to take this step and I am ready for that phone call :) While I am waiting I have started to let more and more people know that I will be starting this journey, everyone is happy for me and supports me in my decision.  I have also been focusing a lot on how I will handle temptations, attending big dinners and most importantly not being able to eat over the Christmas and New Years Holidays due to being on my liquid phase! On paper I can handle it, I know it will be tough while I am going through it.  Having the support of my family and friends will be a big part of my success in this journey!  So, I will continue to wait for that call and until then continue to prepare myself for what is to come.  The next time I post will be to announce the big day!!

Vacation flew by...

I just realized that I am thoroughly enjoying expressing my thoughts via a blog, it is therapeutic and keeps me motivated.

Back from vacation and getting ready for the next step, I used my vacation time to enjoy those foods I have decided to never eat again after starting my program.  Mind you I did not go crazy but I definitely savored a few of my favorite comfort foods.  my husband recommended that I make "a list" of those foods I wish to remove from my eating habits.  I am sure if the psychologist read this she would shake her head and say "typical" attempt at making lifestyle changes and behaviors changes, but I am doing it anyway..

So I made a list:

Title: The foods I will eat before my journey begins

• Ice Cream (which I ate every day on my vacation at the cottage)
• a Big Mac
• Chocotates
• Chips
• Slushies (Pepsi at that)
• White Bread
• Fried Foods
• Sweets & Pastries

This is just a sample of what is on this list but as I read back on my list I said to myself - there is not one "healthy" food on this list.  No wonder I am obese.  I plan on taking this list with me to all sessions and appointments as I truly do not want to go back to these foods.  Wait a minute I think I should say that I CANNOT go back to these foods because obviously they are a reason for where I am today. I have already had at least one of each item on the list so far...
I said to myself that when I got back from vacation I would start slow and wean myself off these tempting foods, I am doing it but damn it is hard.  No wonder we will be on a liquid diet for 12 weeks, it will take this long to break me of my habits.  I know it will work for me though.

I have my final physician assessment scheduled for September 12th, I know it will be brief but it brings me that much closer to the start date!  After September 12th it will be a waiting game for the official start date of my group.
Until then I will continue to "wean" myself off of those foods I will no longer eat and get myself ready for the next step!

Reality

Well,  It is the end of the week and this week was a busy one.  On Thursday I had my first set of assessments at pfhw, I was excited and looking forward to this next step as it moves me closer to my start date.  I don't think I was ready for the reality that hit me during my assessments.  My appointment was at 9:00am, I arrived at 8:45am with enough time to read some material and wait for my first assessment, there was one other lady waiting for her assessment as well and she looked quite anxious!  I met with the Psychologist first and she was very friendly, her first question to me before we started was "Why don't you tell me why you are here".  Well like clockwork the waterworks came on, as I get older I am finding myself to be more emotional, whether I am watching a movie or reading a book or listening to a conversation or expressing myself I tend to cry, I told her this is who I am and she gave me comfort in saying that she see's a lot of crying in this clinic!
She proceeded to go over my online assessment in which she said helps her to paint a picture of me and my background and habits.  What I learned is that not only do I enjoy food, I plan my eating binges they call them.  People who are obese and eat do one of two things, they either plan their eating binge or they don't.  Example:  Two people are hungry after work, the first person goes to the grocery store and just picks up a few things and eats them, the second person plans their eating binge and decides when and what they are going to consume even though they know it is over the top.  Well that is me,  I plan my eating binges and can pin point examples where I have done just that :-) I left that assessment knowing that I have some work ahead of me but I am ready for it.
My next assessment was with the Dietitian,  I was really looking forward to it and discussing a few of my concerns, and how I was going to be able to get through them as the weeks progress.  The first thing she did was take my height and weight...well that was it for me I looked at the scale and was in shock!  I stared at the number for probably 30 seconds before I heard her tell me twice that we can move to the height machine now.  I am currently at the heaviest weight I have ever been and immediately felt embarrassed.  As you read this I know you are interested in knowing my starting weight but I am not ready yet to express it.  I have no idea how I let myself go as far as I did but I do know that this program is exactly where I need to be to start.  She asked me "Do you have a goal weight in mind" I told her not at this point...she was quite happy to hear me say that because it is not about the number on the scale with this program it is about your overall health!  The dietitian proceeded to go over a bit of my returned blood work and she said that everything is in normal range except for my iron levels (which have always been an issue for me) and my vitamin D levels!
I left my assessments with confidence in my decision to take this journey and look forward to the next step.  My next and final step before the start date is my Physician assessment which is not until mid September, it is a quick 30 minute assessment for the doctor to get to know me and my physical makeup.
Earlier this week I also had and appointment with my family physician, as he referred me he is well aware of each stage I am at.  He wants me to not wait until the October start date to make changes, he wants me to start now.  I looked at him and said "easier said than done" he told me that I am the only person holding back no one else is.  After leaving my assessments and learning of my current weight I said "OK, my doctor is right.  I need to start now." But no sooner then me saying that, I stopped for some take out food on my way home and said to myself "I will start after my vacation." Until next time!
  

So it Begins!

I received my "assessment" phone call.  Before the program actually starts in October I have quite a bit of medical assessments to complete, this provides the clinicians a complete profile of myself and what they will be dealing with once the program starts.
One great thing about the PfHW program is that I will be medically monitored by a physician, a nurse, a dietitian, a physiotherapist and a psychologist for the entire 52 weeks on a weekly basis.  Each clinician plays an important part in the overall success of every individual who makes their way through the program.  First step is I had to have a series of blood tests completed, I have had to have blood work completed before but come on this time it was 8 tubes they had to fill.  Do they really need 8 tubes of blood to analyze my body profile?  and I have to complete this series of blood work at week 5, 8 16 and 24! That is a lot of blood.
Next I had to complete an online 2 hour questionnaire which touched on my current eating habits, and my thought process around myself and food.  This was eye opening for me, for years I have "lied" to myself about my eating habits good or bad, made excuses and just plain denied what was obvious.  I decided not to "fake" the obvious because part of moving forward with this journey is to face the facts. I like to eat!
With all of this completed next week I will attend my assessment appointment in which I meet with the clinical dietitian to discuss my current food choices and eating habits, this appointment lasts 45 minutes.  I will then visit with the clinical psychologist, believe it or not I am really looking forward to this!  I want to dig deeper into why I have failed in all my other "diet" attempts and what is really causing me to eat.
After I complete my assessment sessions next week, I will definitely post on my experience.
Until next time!

My Reason!

At 32 years old I am finally taking charge of my life.  No more diets, no more excuses, this is it; I will succeed in my weight loss journey.  I have decided to write weekly blogs as I partake in a year long medically supervised weight loss program in my home town of Halifax, Nova Scotia.  My journey does not officially start until October, but the beginning stages have just begun.  I hope that my journey will inspire not only myself but my readers as well.  Thank you for all of your support through this John! I Love you.