First 11 days....

So much to say and so little time to do it!  

I have completed 11 days of liquid and it has been a rough go this time around.  I am glad to finally be on liquid again but everyday so far I have battled not eating something.  It's funny how last year I didn't think twice when I looked at food, I knew I was not going to eat anything while on optifast but this time around I am fighting the want and need to try something...anything just once.  The first few days of optifast were not too bad, ready to start and looking forward to a break from food.  I experienced more side effects this time around as I entered into ketosis, headaches, hunger and food cravings.  I knew it would be a little harder because I was away on vacation during the first three weeks of 1200 calories eating high caloric/salty foods while travelling.  I was home for only 3 days and then I started liquid, my body did not have the luxury of being ready for the shock I put apon it!! 

After finally entering ketosis and feeling not too bad Christmas Eve was just a day away and my husband arrived home from work with a stomach virus i.e. Vomiting and diarreah.  I proceeded with caution sanitizing the house and myself because I definitely did not want to catch his germs...well too late, I woke up on Christmad Eve day with the same symptoms.  Luckily the virus only lasted 36 hours but it drained us both, trying to keep liquid in my system on such low calories was indeed hard but I didn't not eat anything except for a few glasses of flat ginger ale. With all of that past me I feel good in ketosis, very little hunger outside of shake time, but definitely experiencing food cravings and major bad breath.  

Christmas this year was not that hard for me but these past few days if post Christmas parties have been tough.  I think if avoided them all last year and that's why I am finding it harder this time around.  Of course at every party I attend all of my favourite dips, cookies, snacks and drinks surrounded me.  Many times I have wanted to just try "one piece", will it really take me out of ketosis? Some how I talk myself out if it and move on....I am hoping that these occurrences are less and less with each day that passes.  

I want to succeed again this round and I know that the reason I do succeed is because optifast is what allows me to drop significant weight.  Something I have not been able to do in my own and when I want to eat that little piece of food I continuously remind myself of just that.

With the New Year just a few days away, of course I would love to eat a big meal and drink wine with my friends and family but again it is a shake for me and I am OK with that. :)

Round Two!!!

Ok, so I have been distant not only with my blog but with myself as well.  

It is December 18th, the eve before I start round two of liquid and I am so ready for a break from food.  I haven't posted since July and i know it is because I have been struggling with my weight gain.  I finished year one with keeping 50 lbs off my body, a huge feat.  This is the first year in probably 15 years that I haven't gained weight. I look at how far I have come this past year and where I would be if I were to never have started this program.

I am blessed to be able to join this program again, year two started on November 20th.  New facilitators and a new group with all of us in the same boat.  I am ready for this next challenge.

I am starting year two with 50 lbs of loss and my goal is to reach the 100lb mark.  I will not be disappointed if I do not get there or give up on how far I have come. It is just a personal goal I have set for myself.  If I have learned anything over these past 4 months it is that maintenance is by far the hardest part of this journey and I am not ready to tackle this battle on my own yet.  I need to dig deeper as to why I am running back to food and how I can get past this big hurdle.  I know as I start drinking liquid tomorrow that I will be able to stick to it because I have done this before.  So, while I am enjoying a break from food I plan to write more and work with the therapist to help me figure out why I eat.

My journey is far from over and I know that I will get there, it will just take time.

Time to bring out the ice cubes and wine glass, it's Optifast time again!

Ok, So I Did It!

My post last week was a wake up call.  I think I have read it 5 times since posting it reminding myself if how I physically and mentally was feeling about my weight gain.  Last night while in group session it felt great to hear others struggles and successes all while recognizing with myself that we are in maintenance and part of this journey is to learn how to maintain our current body weight and not to focus on how much I want to lose before next weigh in.

At the end of transition and as I moved into maintenance my body was at its ultimate loss of 89 lbs, a loss that occurred because of drastic calorie reductions.  It didn't happen because I started exercising or eating the "right" foods.  That is what I am focused on now to maintain my current weight.  Realistically, maintaining those 89 lbs of loss would never happen because I am now eating food again and my calories have doubled from a mere 900.  So, me gaining 14 lbs back was my body adjusting and finding its  happy place and it wasn't until last night that I truly came to peace with it thanks to a group member who pointed this out to all of us.  

This past week I made a plan and stuck to it, I stayed within my calories while enjoying a few indulgences and increased my activity.  Last night I showed an increase of 1 lb on the scale but as a whole within the past month I have fluctuated between 1-2 lbs as a gain or loss which means that I am maintaining 75 lbs of loss and I feel great about that.

I am taking each week by week and now putting all my energy into being content with where I am in this journey.  I do want to loose these 14 lbs I have gained back but I need to do it the right way or should I say the realistic way because this journey of Optifast was not real life, it was  a drastic approach to weight loss which has provided me with all the tools and knowledge to live a healthy and active lifestyle and I just need to do it!

Reality Check...I Can Do This!!

Ok, so maybe I have been lying to myself.  I don't have this, at least not at the moment.  I lost it somewhere in the last three weeks.  Maintenance is not that hard, it's the food addiction that is hard!

Last night, I stepped on my scale at home after eating a box of cookies and was shocked at the number, what happened during these these past 8 days I am not sure.  The number was up quite a bit, I am definitely retaining some fluid as my cycle is due any day, but that's not the only reason!  Who am I kidding, not myself that's for darn sure.  I cried myself to sleep because I am so pissed off at the fact that I let myself slip back into a few old habits over these past few weeks.  I have the tools and the desire to succeed at this, there are no excuses because I have come so far and I know what it has taken to get where I am.  It is this battle with my food addiction that has me where I am! I knew that during transition and maintenance I would gain back 5-10 lbs as it is expected moving from eating a minimal 900 cal to now 2000 cal but I have gained back 15 lbs and at this point I am starting to feel it and know I need to get a grip now!

So, I woke up this morning with a clear head and I am re-directing my pissed off thoughts to fighting this addiction.  My food is packed for the day and my food tracker now has writing on it :) The only person who can do this is me and only me! I am back on track and ready.  

I have my program session this Wednesday coming and my goal for these next 6 days is to stay on track which will hopefully result in the loss of these 5 extra lbs :)

Summer Dayzzzzzz

Its summer and that can only mean one thing, Food!

It is so interesting when you take the time to jot down those days throughout the year that are associated with food, like December for instance, there are work xmas dinners; family parties; xmas eve; xmas day; boxing day; leftovers; oh yeah and of course New Years Eve and New Years Day.  Well, we often forget summer time and its many festivities and that is what I am faced with now that summer is here :)  I am well into maintenance now and battling daily addiction queues which has made for a rocky past few weeks.  I have definitely eaten quite a few things I said I would never go back to and some I have enjoyed, while others I could do without.   I am keeping up my exercise and trying to get through each day, but it is days like today when all I can think about is food.  My husband and I went for a wonderful walk this morning after a regular balanced breakfast, came home and made a well balanced lunch, but all I can think about is tonights bbq that we are going to and what I will eat.  Keeping within my calories is my current number one focus because it is so easy to slip past that magical number.  I never realized how tough battling the addiction side of this journey would be, I know to eat the correct things and I know when its time to stop but there is always the addiction in the back of my head telling me "go ahead, have some more!"

So, tonight I am going to a summer bbq, one of many summer events which revolve around food.  While everyone is enjoying their beer, food and good conversations I will be constantly fighting myself to not have seconds or eat the pasta salad instead of the green salad which I know I should choose and actually enjoy eating.  If I decide before I go not to have an item and I set my mind to it, I can usually get through it which is very positive.  It is those times when I say I am not going to have something and I am presented with that item that the addiction kicks in and I begin the battle.  I am sure I sound pretty crazy but it hasn't been until the maintenance phase that I was really faced with my food addiction.  Honeslty, most people cannot relate to this battle that food addicts have.  I have had people tell me to "just don't eat it" to "just have one bite", these are the people that definitely cannot relate and have never had an issue with food before.

Food is a daily requirement and not a choice, we have to eat to survive unlike a smoking addiction which is a choice.  But dont get me wrong, they both come with the same addictions and struggles while quitting or giving up a food!        

Week 28

Last night's session was my first after switching to bi-weekly sessions and I truly can say that I missed not going these past two weeks.  I was surprised last night at how many people from our group did not attend, it made for a quick night with not much discussion.  I hope that we continue to have most group members attend every two weeks so that we can all help each other to stay in tract.

I have been in full maintenance for the past few weeks and its been a struggle, there were numerous times that I would "test" the waters and have something I thought I wouldn't consume for months to come.  I am still recording what I am eating regardless if it is on my exchange list or not so in any given day I know exactly what I have eaten, good or bad :) Since the start of transition I have gained back 5 lb, some of which I know are from transitioning to my new calories but these past two weeks I have gained back 2.5 lb and I know it's from my food choices.  Last night it hit me that I need to re-evaluate what I am doing and why I am doing it.  Before entering maintenance I actually was only 11 lbs away from reaching 100 lbs of weight loss and now I am 16.5 lbs away.  I want to reach this goal on my own and I know I can do it.  I have all of the tools and resources available, I know what to eat and when to eat it, I am way more active then I ever was and can do this.

So,  with that being said I am back on track.  I woke up this morning and prepared my meals for the day and wrote everything down.  The goal over the course of these next two weeks is to focus in me and my food choices, become more diligent with my daily walking and journal more.  I knew there would be struggles, but I didn't think they would arrive so early on.  I have the support of a few other  group members who are also struggling a bit right now and we have all made it our mission to get back on track together which is what I think we all need! Especially me!

Week 26.....busy dayz

Wow, life has been super busy, but even though life is busy eating will always be a part of my day.  Now officially half way through the program, the past few weeks have been good and bad at the same time.  On a positive note I have increased my activity, started an aqua-fit class once a week and walk 3-4 days a week for 20-30 minutes each time.  I am feeling great with my level of activity, walking is easier than it ever has been and my body just moves around with ease.  I do not have pain in my back or in my legs and my feet do not hurt from standing for periods of time.  

Now with that being said eating has been a bit if a struggle, not everyday but just once in a while.  For the past few weeks while entering into maintenance and increasing my calories I have definitely tested my limits with food.  For some reason foods I said I would never eat again have snuck back into my life.  Chocolate for instance is something I have had more than once but feel gross after eating it,  another food item I have had lately is Nutella on a piece of toast.  Something that could sit in the cupboard for months prior to this program I couldn't get enough of past week.  Again feeling gross after eating it I still wet back to it.  I am constantly reflecting by journaling and trying to determine why I may be seeking these items.  From what I can tell it seems like I am just "testing the water" if I eat this will I gain weight?  It's amazing how quickly I chose to try a few things and how easy it was for me to just decide to eat them.  

Over these past few weeks while increasing calories and activity I have gained 4 lbs back, I know by journaling and keeping a food log that I have gained these lbs because its expected during this phase but I am reminding myself that I need to keep track of this because it could easily get out of control for me.  I knew this part would be the hardest part of this journey for me because I do not have shakes to rely on as a quick fix.  Everyday I have to plan and cook to ensure I have enough to eat and I am getting all my exchanges as I should be.  I am still enjoying cooking and trying new flavours, my taste buds are still shocked when I try something new or introduce a flavour that's strong.  I am satisfied with my exchanges and am not experiencing extreme hunger which could cause me to overeat  or indulge in something I shouldn't.  I just need to remember that this is a journey and there will be ups and downs and as long as I always go back to what I know are the right choices I am ok with the little slips that I may have, it's a part of learning how to live a realistic healthy lifestyle.

Ok, so I gained my first pound!

Just got home from my weekly session and it was a fantastic one tonight! We shared a few recipes and tasted a few new items as a group. Very interactive and supportive with learning about new foods we may not have tried before. I came home with a few new recipes in which I cannot wait to try and some even my husband may enjoy.

With that being said, I gained my first pound this week since starting this program. I actually wasn't surprised and I am handling it better than I thought I would. From years of losing and gaining weight, gaining weight can be considered a negative thing in an obese persons eyes when trying to make healthy changes. This week was a little overwhelming with trying to consume my new caloric intake and with increasing calories comes a bit of weight gain. Obviously I am worried about gaining more weight but I need to remind myself that if I gain weight it isn't because of overeating as per previous weight loss attempts, it is because my body is trying to stabilize itself on new food choices and increased calories!

I am proud of myself for not feeling negativity with a pound gained like I used to do so. This just means that I am growing in this journey and able to move past these minor setbacks and look forward to the next few weeks. With that being said, there are only 3 more weeks left until my group sessions switch to biweekly!! Time is just flying by.

Before and After....I think it's starting to sink in.

I wanted to post a before and after image because its important for me to recognize how far I have come.  When I started this program, unlike many others I did not take a before picture and wish I had of.  While I was scanning through a few pictures on my phone I happened to find a picture taken just one week before I started this program.  It is often hard to "see" a difference in myself other then the fact that I see the number on the scale and know my clothes are way too big.  So after coming across this before picture I decided to take a few others one in March and then again in May.  I often stare at this picture because it puts in perspective where I was and where I am now only 6 months later.  This past week we had mid way point assessments completed and I want to share a few interesting numbers and facts that hit me harder then just looking at a before and after picture.

So here it goes:

-          87 lbs lost

-          67 lbs of weight lost is fat mass

-          22% of my initial body weight lost

-          BMI went down 14 points

-          Body fat % dropped 6 points (which means my body is no longer half fat, it is less now)

-          Waist circumference dropped 21 cm

-          Total cholesterol dropped from 5.23 to 3.49, LDL (bad cholesterol) dropped from 3.79 to 2.33 which is now excellent

-          AIC (3 month sugar test) dropped from 6.1 to 5.1 which means my risk of developing pre-diabetes at this point has vanished

-          Average blood pressure reading dropped from 140/92 to 105/64 now (average)

-          Standard shuttle walking test, level 4/12 in November and level 8/12 now in May, huge success.

-          2 clothing sizes dropped in tops and 2 clothing sizes dropped in pants

It is this information that is keeping me motivated to stay on track and keep up with this new journey.  I cannot believe where I was headed to where I am now, I am a brand new person with a new outlook on life.  I can do things now that we're such a task before because I was too tired or just couldn't move.  I know I still have more weight to loose and do plan on entering into this program again in November when my current program finishes because this is working for me.  I want to be as healthy as I can be with whatever weight I finish up at after next round.  Some people have said "why spend more money and do this program again?" Well, this is the only thing that has worked for me to date and its about my health in the long run and what's another year anyway in a journey I have committed myself to, to get healthy.  I am on a "Big Journey" and this is only just the beginning!!

Week 23....finger food anyone

A little delayed in posting but life has been rather busy.  Week 23 has passed and last week I lost another 2 lbs for a total of 89 lbs lost to date.  Officially eating only food for a little over a week now and even though I have embraced this change with open arms, it has been a bit surreal at the same time.  This past week I have been tempted more than once to slip back into a few old habits, and at this point it is because I know I made it through such a hard journey that I almost feel the need to "take a break" if that even seems realistic.  It took all my skills to stay away from old habits but I did it...until Saturday evening rolled around. 

Saturday night I attended my first house gathering since finishing liquid completely and it was tough....there was a large crowd and a large amount of finger food on the tables.  I started the night feeling confident, I had my eyes on a few items that I knew I would have, fruit from a fruit tray and cut up veggies.  Thursday evening at group session we received an extended food list which usually is not provided until week 33 but the program instructors have made a change to hand it out at this point in the program instead.  This new exchange list includes such items as, bread, crackers, cheese, hummus, shellfish, pork, red meat, lamb etc.  The list goes on.  When I first looked at the list I knew right away there are items that I am not interested in introducing back into my food choices.  Example:  breads, red meat, cow's milk, pasta.  But there were a few that I wanted to learn to enjoy in moderation: cheese, shellfish, hummus, crackers.  Saturday night the table was was filled with cheese blocks, cheese platters with chutney, crackers, sweets and cakes.  I ate my veggies and fruit, but something inside of me said..."try some cheese, it is on your list now", so i tried some cheese on a cracker and it was delicious.  That quickly turned into a few pieces of cheese and crackers, a turkey meatball, a bacon wrapped water chestnut and some type of dip that I do not know the name of but it was good.  As the night progressed I quickly started to recognize my old behaviors, the old me would have had 10 of everything on the table and probably wouldn't have left the table, but I noticed that this new me was able to take a step back and make the choice to not eat any more.  Did I foresee myself loosing control that evening, not at all, but I am so happy that I was able experience this situation as we all know life is not an easy book.  Did I eat more than I should have? no because I counted all of the calories as best as I could and I did not pass my daily caloric maximum.  It is scary how quickly my mind turned and I made the choice to eat a few things I said just a few hours before that I would take my time introducing back.  I have been reflecting on Saturday nights experience for the past two days.  I do not feel one bit of guilt as I know I did not over indulge, but I was upset with myself because of how quickly I started to loose control.  This battle is a tough one and I would take liquid back any day to having to make responsible food choices on a daily basis.  Liquid was easy but it was also the easy way out, I did not have a choice then and now I do.  I want to make the right choices but also want to be realistic and live life.  For me these next 6 months will be the hardest for me because I am fighting an addiction, not just a want for food.  

This past week and a half I have been getting used to my new caloric intake and it has been an adjustment that's for sure,  I am taking it slow and not stressing if I miss a protein exchange or an extra fruit exchange.  I was given a new caloric intake of 2000 calories by the dietitian, at first I thought to myself, how in the world am I going to eat 2000 calories after only eating 900-1200 these past 4 months.  With shakes no longer in the picture and with each day that passes it is getting easier.  I talked to the group dietitian questioning her on whether or not it is OK for me to miss an exchange or two if I am just not feeling hungry and what she said was that it was OK to slowly transition up to my new caloric intake and take my time with introducing the increase in food.  With a little over a week into solid food I have not had a day yet where I actually ate the 2000 calories but I am getting there.  After a few weeks I will be assessed to see if my new calorie count is working for my body, at this point I have not gained any weight back and if that continues I will keep on trekking.  I am spending quite a bit of time focusing on my daily walks, I did not really exercise at all during my liquid phase and its only been these past two weeks where I made walking a daily regime.  I have been walking on my lunch breaks at work, I started out walking 15 minutes around the block and as of today I am now up to 25 minutes and feeling more confident with that number.  I am so proud with my progress on this journey, I am doing things I haven't done in years and that is because of the weight loss.  I never thought I would reach 89 lbs in 5 months, it is so unreal, I am smaller now then when my husband and I first started dating.  My husband and I are eating better then we ever have and are focusing on living a healthier lifestyle.   

The Lindor Chocolate Bunny

Week 22 is finished and with another 2 lbs lost this week for a total of 87 lbs to date I am feeling great. The purpose of this post is to acknowledge and remind myself that I will always have cravings and wants. As tonight's group session finished, so have my shakes. I wake up tomorrow with a clear mind and 1200 calories of solid food to consume. No shakes!

I am fighting a scratchy throat and after tonights group session I decided to head to the local pharmacy to pick up some sugar free throat lozenges and a bottle of water. Little did I know that a Lindor chocolate Easter bunny would become an ultimate challenge. Along this journey and after reaching ketosis I really haven't had that many cravings beyond getting through the early stages but tonight was another one of those moments where I had to rely on all my learned skills to help me get through it. I found myself wandering around the store looking at different things, throat lozenges and water already in hand. I went down the Easter candy isle and sitting on the shelf all by itself was this gold wrapped dark chocolate Lindor bunny. This time last year I would have already eaten a dozen of them. This bunny was on my mind the entire time i was in the store and I frequently went back down the isle to look at the bunny. I wanted to buy this bunny and eat it so bad, I even picked it up and smelt it a few times. I kept telling myself that I "deserve" this chocolate bunny because I made it through Optifast. I can eat it on the way home and not feel guilty. It's only one bunny. I do know that it is only one bunny, but what I am not sure of yet is how I will handle an addiction food once consumed, will I actually enjoy it, will my desire to eat the item come roaring back? The old me would not have thought twice and bought the bunny and ate it probably without tasting it. These moments are so important in this journey because now I actually stop and think before putting something into my mouth. Making it through moments like this also help to build confidence in knowing I am getting stronger at avoiding the temptations. What ultimately made me decide to put the bunny down and walk away? I am not sure yet but I am hoping that by journaling and blogging about the experience will provide me with clarity each time I reflect back or I am faced with another food challenge. No one ever said this would be an easy journey, breaking habits and addictions are a life long fight and I think that perhaps I may have started to answer my previous questions as to why I decided to put the bunny down. Put the bunny down, it is the addiction trying to sneak its way back in and I can get through it one Lindor bunny at a time!!

My Last Shake

Well today is almost over, I am back from my weekly group session and have mixed feelings over the fact that I do not have a shake for tomorrow. I left tonight feeling like something was missing, no more mixing shakes in the run, no more shakes in my car or even while at a function. I made it through 12 weeks of solid shakes and 5 weeks of shake/food transition. Looking back to my starting week, reaching the end of shakes seemed so far away at the time and here I am now, completely finished. It's a surreal feeling knowing that I will not have a shake to rely on anymore for that quick meal on the go. I came home tonight and packing breakfast, lunch and a snack took so much time then previously. But perhaps it was just me thinking it took a long time to prep because I wanted to grab my shake. No more washing that dang Optifast shaker, I really did not enjoy that and even though cleaning up after cooking and eating meals seems much more tedious it is nothing compared to making sure the shaker was always clean for the next shake.

With having group session tonight I did not have the time to eat supper so like with most weeks my shake became my supper. I filled my container with lots of ice and made sure my water was extra cold. I was careful to not water the shake down too much so it was thick and drank it slow. Like on the first night I slowly sipped the shake and rolled the liquid around in my mouth savouring each drink and relishing on the fact that if it was not for these shakes I wouldn't be where I am today. These shakes brought me clarity and allowed my body and mind to recognize my food addictions and behaviours around food. They allowed me the opportunity to deal with hard situations like Christmas dinner, a special occasion or having a bad day and know that food is not always the answer. These shakes have given me my life back and assisted me with working towards making a healthier lifestyle for myself and my husband.

So, here's to the shake! Until we meet again next round!

Week 21...my last week with optifast!

Week 21 has started which means I am on my last week of optifast/food and officially down to 7 shakes to consume. It was surreal this morning as I opened the cupboard and grabbed my last Thursday shake. With everyday that passes this week I plan to savour those shakes as they are the reason I am where I am today. In the beginning I wondered how I was going to get through it and today I am so happy I made it through it!

Last night I had group session and another amazing loss of 5.5lbs for a total of 85 lbs to date. I have been following everything to the book and weighing and measuring all my exchange items. I feel confident knowing that as I continue introducing more calories I will be able to handle this. I have to allow this confidence to be heard because it is a reminder that every day sticking to my new lifestyle is a success in not allowing my food addiction to creep back in. Some people may say that I am being too strict on myself and I should allow myself the occasional "treat", what is a "treat" anyway? That word "treat" for me is associated with many emotional eating episodes and there are no such things as treats to me now. Food is food and when the time is right and i feel that I may want something not on my exchange list i will embrace and I will use everything I have learned to decide whether or not I actually want that item and enjoy it to the fullest if I decide to have it. That right there is change to its fullest!!

Last night we focused on cardiovascular exercise and we were able to get into the gym and move. I have started to incorporate activity in my daily life and have noticed I am much more eager to get moving and be active now that it is easier to move around. I plan to work on strengthening my core and just walk! I have started to walk on my lunch breaks just for 15 minutes and my husband and I are planning over the next 8 weeks to work up to 60 minutes of walking 3-5 days a week. Start slow and work my way up is the key. I want to use my body for activity, I won't pay for a gym at this point, I am just going to walk :). Thinking back to where I was physically at the start of this program, walking was a chore. Last night I bent over in a chair and tied my shoes! Like frig, I haven't done that in years. I bent over while sitting and tied my shoes. That definitely needs to be added my "be inspired" journal!

Happy Easter.....it's only one bite right?

My husband and I are spending Easter with his family for a few days, the weather is beautiful and the company is wonderful.  We have to travel about 4 hours to get to their place and I had to plan all week so that I would be prepared food wise while staying at their place.  We left Friday morning,  so I spent all evening measuring, cooking and weighing food so that this weekend would be easy for me and it has been for the most part.  Now that I am down to 1 shake at lunch, preparing for a mini vacation is a little overwhelming.  I definitely miss the fact that I cannot just pick up and go with my 4 shakes stuffed in my purse.  The drive Friday morning was good, no temptations or cravings along the way.  We definitely talked about how we used to stop for lunch or a snack along the way but this time even my husband packed a lunch for himself to have on the drive.  I was so proud of him.

Friday night while everyone ate fried fish for good Friday I cooked up some salmon and had it with a quinoa stir-fry.  Them eating in front of me did not phase me in the least, the smell of the fried fish was not tempting me at all and we enjoyed our meals and that was that.  His parents are very supportive of me doing this program and this is my first time being out of my comfort zone and not being able to control what types of food are being placed on the table.  Now, with that being said today was a different story.  My husband and I were out running a few errands, I took my shake with me for lunch as well as my snack just in case I needed it.  I definitely wanted those few treats that we used to always get when visiting his parents, a particular ice-cream cone from a local ice cream parlor and a particular submarine sandwich that you can only get here in this home town.  The thing is, I knew I was not hungry, I was just wanting them out of habit and hence why I am blogging now about it, it was easy to just mix my shake and move forward.  This evening we had Easter turkey dinner and I was able to enjoy some white turkey meat along with my pre-cooked side dishes from home.  It wasn't until tonight's meal that I would be faced with a very difficult situation.  I never knew how hard it would be for me to sit at the table with a few other people eating a full course turkey dinner, even at Christmas it wasn't as hard as tonight.  My dinner tasted amazing and I savored my little bit of white turkey meat but the smell of the dark turkey meat and the stuffing smothered in my mother-in-laws amazing gravy from everyone else plates almost made me want to cry.  I actually picked up a piece of the stuffing and smelt it for maybe 30 seconds, looking at it, contemplating putting it into my mouth.  I did the same thing with my husbands fresh baked white roll with butter on it, I wanted a bite of that so bad.  I couldn't think about anything but these few items and how I wanted a bite.  I couldn't get up from the table and journal about my thoughts and experiences because it would have looked quite odd.  So, I sat there and ate my dinner, and at this point I am not sure I even remember what my turkey meat tasted like LOL  

Its now its after 7:30pm, my husband is out with one of his friends that he never gets to see and I decided to stay in to journal and reflect.  The stuffing and  rolls are to this moment still calling my name and I am avoiding the kitchen until further notice :) Up until now everything has seemed so easy to me and now I know it is because I am always in my own comfort zone with food.  It is situations like this which will happen multiple times that I have to use all of my skills to avoid the temptation.  Could I have had a bite of stuffing tonight, not felt guilty and went about the rest of my meal, YES I could have.   But I know in my heart that if I am going to deal with my food addictions I cannot let myself go the route of taking the bite and being ok with it because before long I will start taking bites of everything just because its only one bite right!! 

Week 20

Bye bye two shakes a day. I have officially finished week 3 of transition and two shakes a day. Week 3 of transition was pretty darn good. Eating a bit more and fully savouring each bite, I lost another 4.5 lbs this week for a total of 79.5 to date (I think it's ok to round to 80 at this point since we are weighed with clothes on :)) Starting tomorrow I am now down to consuming one shake a day for the next two weeks and and increasing to breakfast, snack and supper. To be honest I am looking forward to incorporating a snack into my day and dropping a shake. I thought transitioning off shakes would be hard as drinking only shakes is easy but the closer I get to final transition the less I think about the shakes.

This past week I also had my dietitian appointment which was actually very informative, I was provided with my caloric intake for the next 6 months and some meal planning ideas. I utilized my entire hour to ask questions like - which yogurt is the best? to do I need to eat the reduced sodium canned tuna.

Today at work I had a moment of temptation, the first time at work in quite a while. A meeting took place where lunch was provided and leftover sandwiches ad cookies were placed in the kitchen to eat. I immediately felt anxiety as I was sitting in the lunch room finishing off my lunch, I didn't "want" a cookie or sandwich but just seeing them sitting there made me want to eat them out of habit. It was a defined moment in this process as it again is a reminder that there will always be tempting situations at throughout my day or week that are out of my control. It was a pivotal moment for me and one which I had to journal about during and after in order to pass the temptation. But the temptation did pass and it felt great knowing I was able to put the skills I have learned into use.

This weekend is Easter and my husband and I are headed out of town to stay with his parents. All week I have been planning meals and snacks that I will be taking with me. My husbands mother is an amazing cook and this will be my first time away and out of my comfort zone entirely. Planning what I am going to bring is so important to ensure I have everything I need to follow my daily meal plans. I will definitely post a blog about this weekend and my struggles and triumphs :) Happy Easter to everyone!

Week 19

Its finally spring!!!
Two weeks into transition and feeling great. Last night I lost another 4 lbs for a total of 75 to date. This past week I was able to introduce breakfast which I must say is my favourite meal so far, there is not much thought put into it at this point. My go to staple breakfasts are oatmeal with either berries or a piece of fruit cut up in it with almonds or a boiled egg for protein. Weekends I like to mix it up with an egg white and quinoa omelette with sautéed veggies and a tablespoon of homemade salsa. This past week my fullness feeling has slowed down which is allowing me to eat my full exchanges as expected to do so.

For this next week I am still having two shakes a day, I find I am looking forward to those two shakes. I have one for lunch and then again in the late evening as a snack. Having two shakes gives me the opportunity to still be flexible with my supper meal. If I have a commitment or appointment around the supper hour I move my lunch shake to supper and have supper for lunch and that is working out ok. But with that being said I am pretty sure it will be an adjustment when I introduce another meal next week. Having the shakes are easy, throw in the purse and go and not think about it. Obviously that can't last, the shakes must end.

Tonight I have a scheduled dietitian appointment with our program dietitian and I cannot wait. I am feeling very confident in my ability to make good choices at this point. But I am not going to lie, I am a little bit nervous about tonight and finding out what my final caloric intake will be after transition and whether or not I will physically be able to consume the amount of food they may want me to when I am already having trouble with such little food I am having now. I hope she is able to guide me with the right decisions ad be realistic.

Week 17 &18

Well I made it through my first week of transition and with another 4 lbs lost last week and 2 lbs lost this week I have passed the 70 lb mark!! I feel great and I am enjoying this process of eating again.

My first week of eating suppers went well, very few stomach issues and everything tasted so great. I constantly have to remind myself about mindful eating and enjoying each meal to its fullest. While eating my supper meals I have been reflecting on what each bite tastes like, did I chew enough ( for the most part I do not chew enough) and had to stop myself a few times from swallowing before chewing. One thing I am definitely picking up on is the fullness I am feeling while eating. It is amazing at this point how quickly I feel full while eating, this is a foreign concept to me as prior to starting this program I could eat and eat and rarely feel that full feeling. I welcome this new feeling as I am becoming more aware of how much food my stomach can actually hold and at this point it is not much. But, again it is not much compared to what I used to consume and it feels great knowing that I can recognize stomach fullness now.

Another thing I have noticed since starting to eat again is I do not have a desire at all for those foods I used to binge on, crave and devour too often. Is it because I am feeling satisfied with the fact that I am eating again? Or is it because I have broken my habits ad addictions to those foods? I think a bit of both. Don't get me wrong, I know 100% that I will have days of temptations and wants just like before but the difference now is I have the confidence in myself to say no. I know my trigger foods and I will stay clear of them, will I have cake for my birthday this year? No, but I could make a yummy fruit salad instead and put a candle in it right!

I am still a food addict but now I have the skills and tools to recognize and beat those urges even while consuming healthy food. Honestly, I would never be where I am right now if it wasn't for this program and I can finally recognize and admit it and know that with everyday I am becoming a healthier person inside and out!

My First Meal

Well today was the first day of transition, I made it through 12 weeks of liquid and cannot believe that I did it. I am so proud of myself and am looking forward to these next 6 weeks of food introduction. I have been meal planning all week and was looking forward to my first meal! My first week I will be consuming 3 shakes and a supper meal daily.

My husband was out with friends tonight so it gave me some time alone to cook and enjoy. I came home after work and turned on the music in the kitchen and started cooking. I baked a fresh chicken breast in the oven topped with chopped rosemary, while that was cooking I sliced a Fuji apple and mixed the slices in a bowl with a tsp of cinnamon and a tsp of lemon juice. I baked the apple slices in the oven on a baking sheet until soft. I then steamed chopped carrots with pepper.

I started eating at 6:00pm, my first bite was of a piece of carrot, I used the tools provided in my mindful eating session to take my time chewing and experiencing the piece of carrot, it was warm and sweet, the pepper was very strong on my pallet. I then ate a piece of chicken and the flavour was amazing, I used to smother it with sauces but just chicken and rosemary was so delicious, I found myself chewing the chicken longer just to preserve the flavour. By 6:10pm I was starting to feel full and my stomach was feeling just a bit uneasy, I could feel the food in my stomach but I knew I had to keep eating a bit more. I tried an apple slice and it was amazing, so sweet and warm and it tasted like I was eating a piece of apple pie minus the crust and extra sugar added. By the time 6:20 rolled around I couldn't finish any more apple and was truly full, I decided to save the apples till later in the evening which I just consumed instead of forcing them in.

It's 8pm and I feel good, other than my stomach being a bit uneasy I really enjoyed my first experience with food. Tomorrow supper i am having 3 oz baked haddock with fresh mango salsa i made on top. I think I will be ok with this, let's just hope my stomach feels the same :)

What a loss of 60 lbs actually means to me

I have been keeping track of little things that I am noticing with my weight loss, when I reached 60lbs, little milestones of accomplishments were popping up everywhere and these are things I used to stress about or were just a part of me living life obese.  Don't' get me wrong, I am still obese and have much more weight to lose but just these little things show me everyday that I made the right choice in this program and will keep this weight off as I look toward the next 60 lbs.

- I feel more confident in myself and my body
- Clothing, I have dropped 2 sizes in tops and almost 2 sizes in bottoms. Means I had to do a bit of shopping :)
- I can sit in a movie theater seat and not have to raise the arm :)
- I can sit in my car, or anyone's car for that matter and not push the seat way back and do up my seatbelt with my heavy winter coat on.
 - What mild sleep-apnea I did have previous to starting this program has almost vanished from my last checkup in January.
- I have lost almost 20% of my body weight
- I am moving around with ease and quicker than ever before
- I can walk/run up a flight of stairs and not be winded
- I wore a bracelet the other day which I used to have to stretch a bit and now it hangs off my wrist
- My ankles and feet are not swollen at the end of the day


I will keep adding to this as I notice things :)

Week 16

This is it, I am officially in my last week of liquid only.  This past week was another good one for me I lost 5 lbs for a total of 65 lbs to date with one more week of liquid to go and 6 weeks of transition.  Time has flown by, I often find myself thinking back to when I started this journey and thought getting through 12 week of liquid would just be unbearable, but in reality it was so easy and here I am just a few days away from taking my first bite of food again.

With that being said, I am definitely anxious about eating again, will my stomach be able to tolerate certain foods, will I enjoy eating again, will I be able to control my wants around certain foods.  Last week was not the easiest and with just a few days left of my final week of liquid I am not finding it to be the most pleasant.  I have the urge to eat, I want to slip a taste of things I am making for my husband and all along I never had the urge to do so.  I know that this is psychological because I am so near the end of liquid and I continue to fight through those urges.

These past few weeks in group session we have focused on transition and meal planning, I know meal planning will be imperative for me as I move through transition as I will no longer have the flexibility of just grabbing 2-3 shakes as I fly out the door in the morning.  I am embracing these next 6 weeks of change as well as taking an opportunity to explore new vegetables I have never thought about before.  With a very strict list of transition foods, I need to be creative so that I am not just eating 3 oz of chicken, a cup of carrots and an apple on the side everyday.  My group peers are very creative and have all provided many different recipe options so that we all get the most out of transition.

So what will my first meal be, I have thought about this for a few days while tackling meal planning.  I really don't think that for my first meal I want to jump into something unrealistic just to get powerful flavor, whatever I choose will be more flavorful than the last 12 weeks of chocolate shakes I am sure.  So this is what I have decided to have on Thursday for my first supper meal:
- 3 oz of fresh grilled chicken breast with fresh rosemary 
- 1 cup of steamed carrots with pepper
- 1 oven baked apple (sliced) with cinnamon and lemon juice
Now, I know I am having chicken, carrots and an apple but it is my first meal and I want to make it easy :) Plus, what better than a juicy piece of chicken, sweet carrots and warm baked apple slices, frig my mouth is watering typing this. Time for a shake I think!





 

What the heck is going on...

So I am not sure what my body is doing but I am pretty happy. All along this liquid journey I have averaged a 4 lb loss one week and a 3 lb the next and some weeks it would be higher but for the most part it stayed along this path. Over the past 4 weeks my body has not followed that path at all, it has been letting go with higher numbers and this week was even higher with a 5.5 lb loss to equal 60 lbs woohoo!

Like frig, I have passed another milestone and another 10 lb bag of potatoes and I feel great. I am not sure why my body is letting go like it is but I will take it! I had no expectations going in to this program of a particular number because when in Ketosis you don't know how your body will handle the lower caloric intake. Obviously with this 60 lb loss i am more active on a daily basis and move around more and maybe because i am doing that my body is more eager to let go. The nurse did say last night that things may start to slow down as I transition back to food which I am actually expecting to happen but for now let go body, let go!

I will be posting an interesting topic in the next few days on "what loosing 60lbs" actually means to me as my transformation has started to take place! Stay tuned!

Nails

I know this is a weird post but I need to blog about it.  If anyone knows me well they know that I am a nail biter and always have been my entire life.

 I am focusing on my nails for a few minutes because I cannot believe that they look like this now, for some reason since starting this program I have not bit my nails not once.  Actually, I really didn't notice that I wasn't biting my nails until a month or so ago when I looked at them one day and said "omg my nails are growing".  The literature says that one of the side effects of being on Optifast is brittle nails but I have had the opposite experience, they are growing and are as strong as ever. I recently had the opportunity to have a manicure through work as a part of a cosmetic event they were having and I signed up for a basic manicure and when my manicurist looked at my nails she couldn't believe how long and healthy they looked, she cleaned them up and applied this pretty polish and told me to keep doing what I am doing!

So, after she said that to me I then spent most of the evening after work reflecting on what it is I have been doing and I have no answer.  Obviously my nail biting was going hand in hand with eating behaviors and my nails were never actually healthy before because I ate like shit.  So not only have I lost weight and worked on behaviors with this program my skin, hair and nails are at their healthiest.  Part of this program is to determine and work on ways to cope with those times we want to eat or handle rewards or even a tough day and I now know that one way for me to do that is through weekly at home manicures, I purchased a nail file some cuticle oil, and a few pretty colors of nail polish and when I am having the urge to eat I will pull them out and paint my nails!

Weeks 13 & 14

It's been a few weeks since my last post and I told myself going into this I would keep up with the weekly posts but life has been super busy these past two weeks.  So here it goes, a summary of the past two weeks.

The past two weeks have just been a blur, one week is just rolling into the next at this point and as I sit here and type I cannot believe that starting March 7th I will begin the transition phase back to food. I am almost through 10 weeks of consuming liquid only and at 55 lb lost so far it is just amazing.  All along this liquid phase my body would lose 4 lbs one week and then 3lbs the next and it would go back and forth like this for the most part, but the past three weeks my body seems to be letting go more consistently with a 4.5 lb loss and then a 4 and then another 4 last week.  At this point in the liquid phase I am experiencing no cravings what so ever, and by none I actually mean none. I am not tempted by any of the foods I see people eating, for example work birthday's were celebrated this past week and one of my co-workers made one of my favorite deserts lemon meringue pie, even though it looked delicious I was not having feelings of jealousy or anxiety over the fact that they are eating it and not me, I found that I wasn't focusing on "how much" of the pie was left after everyone enjoyed their slice.  What I am experiencing these past two weeks has been hunger, I would drink my shake and then two hours later I would start to hear my stomach growl, I am trying to focus on those times when I am feeling hunger to determine what type of hunger it is (heart, mouth or stomach) and for the most past it truly is stomach hunger.  Occasionally I will still have thoughts around my addiction foods (donairs and chips),  these are the only two foods that I seem to want more often, they are not a craving but a want out of habits.  The want usually occurs on a drive home from work, or if my husband and I are out running errands, or a Saturday night.  I know that these are habit wants and not cravings because I do not have these feelings with any other food at the moment and I know they are my true go to foods prior to me starting this program.  I have been journaling my experiences when I have these wants so that I can recognize how to handle them as I move back to eating solid food again.  

I am so lucky to have such an amazing support team through this journey, whether it is my group members, my co-workers, my friends, my family or my amazing husband they have all helped to make this journey as easy as possible with just allowing me to share my experiences and talk out my concerns or triumphs.  I couldn't imagine doing this by myself without a support team.  I know I will need to lean on them as I move towards eating again as it will be the hardest part of this journey I am sure!  For now I will continue to enjoy 2 & 1/2 more weeks of liquid only and prepare myself and my daily life for transition.

Cravings

Man...cravings have been very frequent these past two days that I thought I would blog about it to help take my mind off of wanting the food!

They started yesterday (Saturday) my husband and I were out shopping for the day. I brought my shakes like I always do and made sure I had one before we left the house. It was 3:30pm about an hour from my supper shake and we were on our way home from shopping, driving in the car and all the sudden I wanted my trigger food and addiction food... A donair and a bag or zesty cheese Doritos. Whether it was occurring out of habit or just pure cravings it was happening. That is all I wanted while driving home, my husband had to list the numerous cons if i were to choose to eat them while I listed off the pros, I even called my sister to talk it out as well. It was a surreal experience, it took over 15 minutes for these cravings to pass, and they were very strong. When I think about having cravings I thought they would be easy to handle, but the experience of yesterday only means that it will happen again and many times throughout this year and will be equally as hard! Even thought I am making changes and breaking my habits and addiction these occasional cravings or wants will always appear.
I spent most of today journaling and reflecting about yesterday's experience and how I will handle the wants when they happen again, my husband is a huge part of my therapy, he is that person of reason when I am thinking irrationally. I know it is hard on him as we'll because he is making changes with his eating as well and Doing fantastic but he does not suffer from the addiction to food like I do which means he will always be my rock. 👫

Today I had cravings as well but I know it is out of habits, it's Super Bowl Sunday and I wanted comfort food. These wants quickly passed after I had my shake and I realized that if I am hungry then it makes it easy for my mind to wander in the direction of food and eating.

Week 12

Theme of this week....Poop!

Week 12 has passed and another great loss this past week 4 lbs for a total of 47 lbs to date. Time is flying and with only 5 weeks left of just liquid I cannot believe it! Other than occasionally wishing I didn't have to drink another shake things are going well. This week I decided to try a few vanilla shakes, for the past 7 weeks I only consumed the chocolate shakes and was feeling a little bored of them. I swapped a few shakes with a fellow program attendee and yesterday morning I tried the vanilla....not a fan! It's not terrible but I definitely prefer the chocolate.

One thing I have noticed this week is constipation, not a fun topic but something I really have never had to deal with throughout this program. It is recommended that we use Benefiber with our shakes to help keep things moving and I have been using it off and on over the past 7 weeks but haven't experienced any issues until Monday......well with that said constipation is not fun and something I definitely want to avoid for the remainder of my weeks. I am now using restorolax to get things moving and hopefully keep things moving!

This week we had a self directed group session reflecting on last weeks Nutrients session with the dietitian, a very informative session and surprisingly i learned a lot because when i spent time reflecting on what we learned i really was clueless as to what made up a balanced meal. This week I found myself looking at everything my husband was eating and trying to figure out if it was balanced nutritionally or not, it will be fun doing the same when I am eating again.

So that was my week, right now each week just rolls into the next for me and with only 5 weeks left of liquid my plan is to continue on this easy path of not having to think about food and just take it all in.

Do I have to clean this again?

I know this is petty but I am sick of cleaning this shaker LOL

I have two of them which definitely helps the situation but having to clean out the shaker after every meal is starting to get to me. You cannot leave the shaker sit for too long after drinking the shake because the end result is not good, things literally start growing 😊 It is also not recommended to put it in the dishwasher so I am washing it 4 times a day which doesn't seem like much but I am finding that I am always washing it. At home my husband has to constantly remind me to wash it because I like to leave it sit.

I am currently trying to figure out how I will retire my Optifast shaker after I officially finish with it. Should I wash it out? Part of me wants to let it sit for days and then just toss it to the wind (well recycling bag). Another part of me wants to give it the respect it deserves by giving it its official last wash and keep it, hmmm!

Week 11....

Six weeks of liquid left, I cannot believe it! As I sat in group session last night thinking to myself, I made it 6 full weeks with not eating anything, how am I doing this and with another 3 lbs lost this week for a total of 42 lbs lost I can't believe I have come so far in such a short time.

This past week I have noticed that I am not enjoying the shakes as much, from what I used to find the shakes to be appealing, this week I couldn't care if I ever drank them again. When the dietitian asked us last night " how is everything going with Optifast?" A few people started to express their dislike with Optifast over the past week. Ok, I am not alone here! The dietitian said that this is a common occurrence with all groups around this week and it will pass!

So, aside from not enjoying my shakes this week I have noticed I am quite hungry, after three hours of drinking my shake my stomach starts growling and I need to push myself to wait until that fourth hour to consume my shake. The dietitian said that experiencing true hunger in this stage is a good thing so that we can recognize what it feels like when we start to eat again. I thought that maybe I was feeling more hunger because my body was burning more fat but I had a normal loss last night so I figured it can't be that. I am journaling and recording these feelings I am having on a regular basis so that I can reflect on them when I eating again.

I have also started to become more active these past two weeks, I am walking for 15 minutes on my lunch break (when it is not - 28 out like it is today) and my husband and I bowl in a league for 3 hours every Sunday night. I do want to become even more active but that will come with time, right now I am focusing on my behaviours and habits.

Looking forward to these next 6 weeks of carefree eating before starting to transition! Until next week, happy drinking....not! :)

Week 10...Potatoe/Potato, same thing.

It is Sunday, January 20th, 2013....Week 10 of the program and week 6 of Optifast and I am continuing to move along strong.

I know it has been two weeks since my last post, phew time flies when life is busy.  I must admit, I cannot believe I am in my 6th week of Optifast, one day just runs into the next right now when you do not have to think about your next meal.  I am so happy with how well my body and myself is taking to this program, I am currently at 39 lbs lost and I still have 6 and 1/2 weeks of Optifast left.  I am averaging 4-5 lbs a week and doing so well.  My husband continues to say to me " hunny, you have lost almost 4 - 10 lb bags of potatoes, carry those around for a while".
 

At this point, I am having very little cravings for those "addiction" foods and what ever hunger I am feeling is actual hunger pains and I know its time to drink my shake.  The smell of foods cooking or what people are eating around me is still getting to me a bit, not its not necessarily a bad situation because it is making me more aware of how to handle myself around trigger foods or just food in general.  One thing that I have noticed myself doing while I cook for family or friends or if I am around food is that I am tempted to lick my finger if food touches it.  For an example, today I helped my husband make a healthy casserole and a bit of the sauce he made got on my finger when I spooned it into the dish and I looked at my finger for at least 15 seconds and contemplated what that sauce would taste like.  I came back to reality and cleaned off my finger.  Multiple times over the past two weeks I have noticed myself wanting to lick whatever "landed" on my finger, and a few of those times I actually did lick my finger.  When I journal and reflect on why I am doing that, I quickly remind myself that I am currently trying to clean my body and mind of my food addiction and I know that food will always tempt me no matter what the situation is. 

I have been consuming nothing but Optifast and water these past 6 weeks and I constantly have to remind myself that everyday that passes and I "choose" to stick to this program, I am moving closer to breaking those old habits and behaviors associated with food.  10 weeks into this program and I know for certain that I never would have been able to get to where I am today without it.  I know there is an even longer and harder road ahead of me when I transition back to food and have to put all that I am learning into daily use, but one thing I do know is that if I continue to stick to this program, my mind and body will be ready for me to tackle the next and most important stage in this journey; Eating again!

Starting the New Year off with a Bang!

It is early into 2013 and I am off to a bang!  3 more lbs down last night for a total of 31, yep that is right 31 lbs lost in just 6 weeks.

Now, I know they say not to focus on the numbers but while I am working on my behaviors I am going to celebrate this milestone with a nice cold glass of chocolate Optifast :) The reason I am celebrating is because it has probably been 10 years or more since the last time I lost 31 lbs, on any diet I would start and lose maybe 20lbs and then quit or go back to behaviors in which I am finally working on now.  Today was the start of week 4 into my 12 weeks of liquid and I am feeling great I went to one of my favorite retail clothing stores on new years eve to buy a new outfit and I am down a top and pant size already.

I knew that once I made it through the holidays things would be much easier and that's because me and my body are getting used to being in Ketosis.  

How I am feeling now: 

• I am not nearly as tired as I was when I first started liquid
• I am not hungry, unless it has passed the 4 hour mark and I know its time for a shake
• I am able to actually recognize true hunger pain now vs just thinking I am hungry
• My skin although a little dry is clearer and healthier
• My finger nails are growing like crazy and are not brittle
• I have recognized 3 behaviors around food in which I am working on changing
• I am still at this point wanting to eat certain foods but I am currently trying to break that addiction
• I am starting to be honest about my addiction with food!
  

 These next 8 weeks are all about me and digging deeper in my food addiction and how I will make the neccessary changes moving forward.  Our weekly group sessions are a pivotal part of my journey and we have an amazing group, we are each very open and have gotten close only 7 weeks in.  We talk outside of weekly sessions and are all motivated to continue this group outside of weekly sessions, obviously we are not near that point yet but it feels good to know that we have such a dedicated group.